Written by On the phone last night, about 6:30 p.m.
Yip: Hi dad, what are you doing? How you feeling today?
Dad: Oh, pretty good. My legs are hurting a little, but I feel pretty good. Hey, I made a big batch of chili but it’s way too thick. What do you think I should do?
Y: Well, I’d put in some tomato sauce, maybe crushed or diced tomatoes, and water. Of course, you’re going to have to re-season it after it’s diluted.
D: I made a whole shit pot full! Should I put in more onions?
Y: I don’t know dad. After you dilute it, taste it. See if you think it needs more onions. It’ll probably need more of whatever spices you put in to begin with.
D: I put in a bunch of beans, too. Canned beans. You know, those red ones. Maybe I should put more beans in too. Should I put more onions in?
Y: (moan) Yeah. Probably. Do you have any tomato sauce?
D: Damned if I know. No, I don’t think so.
Y: Probably not. I’ll pick up a few cans and be over tomorrow.
D: No rush.
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After watching a really cute man for an inappropriate amount of time in the tomato aisle of the store, I head over to my father’s place. He proudly takes a HUGE pot from the fridge and puts it on the counter. Jesus H. Christ. There must be 2 gallons of something – - he calls it chili – - in the pot. It’s one of those big pots that usually is used for boiling quarts of home-canned veggies and fruit. It’s about 2/3 full of this ……….. stuff.
This is a man who finds it difficult to eat more than 2 chicken wings at one sitting. He can eat 1/2 gallon of chocolate ice cream, but only 3 bites of salad. (I’m not exaggerating. This is true.)
D: See how thick it is? I chopped up another onion for it.
It looks like brown, lumpy putty.
Y: Yeah. It’s pretty thick alright. Throw in a can of tomato sauce and a bunch of water.
D: How much?
Y: Good God, man. I’m not Julia Child. Pour a bunch in until it’s the consistency you want, I guess. Then check the seasonings. You may want to add more chili powder or something. I don’t think it needs any more onions though.
D: That’s good. I don’t have any more. I’m out of beans, too.
Y: I’ll pick up some stuff at the store for you.
D: Thanks. Get some ice cream too, okay?
He tries. God bless him, he tries.
