I’ve been gone for a few days, but, just like the proverbial bad check, I’ve returned.
I’m not sure if the past few days have been a dream or reality.
In speaking with my shrink — I mean, psychiatrist (not good to mention the word ‘shrink’ to a man during this cold weather, ya know) — he’s decided one of the following is my reality (in no particular order):
1. I’ve been engaged in a rasslin’ match with a she-demon in the purple waves of the 9th astral plane.
2. I fell into a sink hole in the outer reaches of Hell’s Half Acre. I subsisted for 6 days by eating bugs and worms, and squeezing water from the muddy walls of the sink hole. At one point, The Boy (Little Yip) passed by, spotted me screaming for help 32 feet below the surface, and shouted down to me, ‘Piss off, old man! I found the car keys, I’m taking the cat with me.’
3. I made the mistake of shopping at Wal-Mart. I’m still in line at the checkout, behind 7 morbidly obese, toothless people from Independence, who have horrific body odor.
(Disclaimer: This is MY dream and/or reality, folks. I don’t presume to think everyone who shops at Wal-Mart is morbidly obese, toothless, and has horrific body odor. But, it’s a proven fact that 99.99 percent of them ARE from Independence. Go ahead. Google it. You’ll see.)
4. Anderson Cooper asked for my input on a story he’s doing for Oprah. I’m sworn to secrecy. All I can say is, it has something to do with chocolate syrup, male enhancement drugs and gerbils. No, really.
5. A lovely young woman from Des Moines has been teaching me to play the harp, cymbals and ocarina. All at the same time. (You oughtta hear me do Blues in the Night!)
6. My sister (Whoretense) has had me tied to a kitchen chair while she read selected verses from Leviticus and forced me to watch The 700 Club. (‘Don’t JEEzuz rock, Yip?! Don’t he?!’)
7. Sarah Palin flew over Hell’s Half Acre and mistook me for a wolf.
8. That dude from Law and Order invited me, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Daniel Craig over for ‘dinner’. (That’s what he told me to call it.)
9. I’ve been in Minneapolis, tap dancing with a senator. (He’s a nice enough guy, I guess, but he’s sure no Ann Miller when it comes to tap dancing.) It wasn’t all bad though. I met a really cute cop who gave me his phone number.
10. I’ve been baking Alice B. Toklas brownies. It takes longer than one would think.
I think. **giggle** Maybe not. **giggle** No, I think it does. **giggle**
Now I’ve just got to figure out which of these are reality and which are dreams.
I’ll be back to normal once I figure it all out.
Or will I??