In spite of Doris Day singing Que Sera Sera in my ear, these burning questions (in no particular order of importance) have been keeping me up at night.

What will 2009 bring?

A new Commander-In-Chief, for one thing.  Halle-fucking-lujah!!  Goodbye, Mr. Bush.  You will not be missed.

(And a personal note to Doris: Sweetie, I KNOW the future's not ours to see. I just think about these things, ok? So BACK OFF bitch.)

Will Britney Spears get married (again - for more than 20 minutes this time) and find true happiness?

Will Larry Craig open a dance studio in Boise, specializing in Wide-Stance Waltzing? (It's the latest dance craze sweeping the nation!)

Will Paula Abdul suddenly gain some sort (ANY sort) of talent?

Will Rosie O'Donnell keep her mouth shut for 10 whole minutes?

Will Matt Lauer lose the rest of his hair? (He'd still be handsome.)

Will Anderson Cooper come out of the closet? (He'd be even more handsome.)

Will pictures of George Bush wearing Laura's panties grace the cover of PEOPLE magazine?

Will I stop fantasizing about every good looking man I see? (doubtful)

Will the kitty learn to use the toilet so I don't have to clean the damned box? (also doubtful)

Will chocolate chip cookies be found to be carcinogenic? (hope not)

Will the guys on Grey's Anatomy shave that 3-day stubble? (hope not)

Will Regis Philbin go away? (please)

Will it come to light that Donnie is really Marie, and Marie is really Donnie, each in drag?

Will Charlie Brown finally bitch-slap Lucy for jerking the football away at the last second?

Will unattractive, middle aged guys with beer guts and thinning hair be the new sex symbols? (one can hope)

Will Rick Warren be found to be a drug-dealing, oxy-contin-pill-popping, men's room troll with a penchant for young Asian boys?

Will people stop comparing Anna Nicole Smith to Marilyn Monroe? (PLEASE)

Will that really cute copper stop coming to my office, stop calling me day and night, stop following me all over town, begging for a date? (not if there is a God)

Will all those right-wing fanatical Christianist conservatives who have been married multiple times, have multiple concubines on speed dial, finally realize - and admit - that the 'sanctity of marriage' has absolutely nothing to do with the genitalia of the people involved?  (not bloody likely)

Will Ann Coulter (spawn of the devil) and Rush Limbaugh (another of the evil dude's spawns) fall in love and move to an island far, far away, never to be heard from again?  (again, one can hope.  Now, after typing those names, I need to go sterilize my hands.)

Will I finally reach my goal of being 6 feet tall.....in flats?

Will it be discovered that daily intake of chocolate cake and/or cold beer is the secret to a long, healthy life?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just some things I ponder as we enter the new year.  For everyone reading this, and even those who aren't, I hope the things that you ponder for 2009 turn out exactly the way you want!!

Now go out and have yourself a Doris day!

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