Written by *Offstage Announcer*
Ladies and gentlemen, it was my great pleasure to interview Governor Sarah Palin (Wingnut-AK) during her visit to the United Nations today. I found her to be quite gracious, stunningly attractive and more than willing to share her thoughts – unrehearsed and sans cue cards – regarding meeting foreign heads of state for the first time. Here is a sample of our talk, which took place in the foyer of the United Nations Building:
Announcer: Governor Palin, it’s my pleasure to meet you. Thank you for granting this interview.
Sarah Palin: Oh you’re welcome! Where are YOU from!?
A: Uh…I’m…an….American. I’m from a little town in Iowa. Now, Governor Palin…
SP: Oh. I thought maybe you were from someplace else! You sort of have a complexion that made me think…..oh well! Maybe that’s not appropriate to say!! Ha ha ha! I’ve never been real politically correct, if you know what I mean! You been out in the sun a lot mister!? Ha ha ha!
You know, I’m from a little town too! See how much we have in common, even if we are from different countries! We can sure agree on that!
A: No, Governor Palin, I’m from America too. Uh….well….anyway….how many foreign dignataries have you met so far today?
SP: Well, let’s see…oh yeah! I met that little gal from Germany! You know, the one that says her first name funny! Did you know she’s a WOMAN!!
A: Angela Merkel?
SP: Yeah! That’s her! She seems real nice. You know, a lot of those people CAN’T speak English!? Wow! Did I ever get confused! Hey….who’s that gal over there in that funny lookin’ dress? You know who she is?
A: What?? Uhhh……no, I don’t know her.
Her … um….dress …. is called a sari. I would imagine she’s from India. Now Governor……
SP: What? They wear those dresses in Indiana? Well I’ll be! It’s amazing what a person can learn from visiting foreign countries, isn’t it! It’s pretty, but….she looks like she’s going to the Academy Awards or something! You know, it was probably some homaseckshul that made her wear that dress! They’re all gonna burn in hell, you know!
A: Uh….right. Governor, who else have you met here at the U.N.? Have you given them any idea of what kind of Vice President you would be? Have you invited any of them to your home state of Alaska?
SP: Well I’ll tell you one thing, if that little gal wears that sorry-dress to Alaska, she’s gonna be COLD! I did get to talk to that Oriental guy from…..(turning to her husband) Hey Todd! Where’s that Oriental guy from again?
Todd Palin: (under his breath) North Korea, dear. North Korea. And….say ‘Asian’, not Oriental.
SP: (to husband) Asian!? I thought he was from China!
(turning back to Announcer) Anyhoo, I told him a good way to keep his folks from starving would be to show them how to fish for salmon! I told him I’d be tickled to come over there and show all of ‘em how to catch a fish with your teeth! Ha ha ha! I can do that, you know! Catch fish with my teeth! But you know what!? HE can’t speak English either! It sort of makes me wonder where on Earth these people got educated! Sure wasn’t in Alaska! Ha ha ha!!
Did you know I shook up the education system in Alaska!? First, I shook up the education system in Wasilla! I did! Then I told congress, ‘Thanks but no thanks!’ on that bridge! (in loud stage whisper) Don’t tell anybody, but we KEPT the money for that bridge!!
I can’t wait to get to Washington and shake things up over there!
A: And what will be your first act as Vice President, should you and Senator McCain be elected?
SP: Who!? Oh! John McCain! You’re just trying to trip me up, aren’t you!
Well, the first thing I’m going to do is shake up Washington! John McCain and I are both mavericks! We’re going to shake things up over there, I’ll tell you that! (to husband) Honey, does my hair look ok?
A: Shake things up, how?
SP: We’re gonna get rid of the Old Boy Network! It’s ungodly and it’s leading America down the road to hell! (to husband) Todd, do we get the Old Boy Network on cable!? Honey, does my lipstick look ok!?
TP: Lipstick’s fine, hon. Just tell him you’re a maverick and you’re gonna shake things up, and that you said ‘thanks but no thanks’ on the bridge. Can you remember that?
A: Governor, as governor of a state with only about half a million people, and since you’ve only been in office for about 18 months, what do you say to people who claim you don’t have enough experience to be Vice President?
SP: I tell them this hockey mom is going to Washington to shake things up! That’s what I tell them! We’re tired of the Old Boy Network, and we owe it to the American people to say, ‘thanks but no thanks’! We want good, wholesome television programs! We’re going to shake things up, and put lipstick on pigs! THAT’S what I tell them!
TP: (grabbing her arm, gently guiding her away) No, dear. The black guy is the one that talks about lipstick. (to Announcer) Thank you, sir. The governor has other interviews and it’s almost time for lunch…..thank you.
A: Thank you both for your time. I hope you enjoy your lunch.
SP: Thanks but no thanks!
We’re going to maverick to shake up some Washingtons!!
Gosh, Todd, I hope they have salmon on the menu!
Hey! Who’s that guy over there with that thing on his head!? He looks like a TERRORIST!
TP: No dear. That’s a turban.
SP: Where’s Turbia ?
Hey, Todd! Now that I have a passport, we can go to Hawaii!!!
Popularity: 99% [?]
