The dedicated corps of bedroom police at the Arkansas Family Council have announced their petition drive to put the Arkansas Adoption and Foster Care Act on the ballot. If passed, the initiative will prevent Arkansas adoptive and foster children from being placed with unmarried couples. As the act puts it:

... a minor may not be adopted or placed in a foster home if the individual seeking to adopt or to serve as a foster parent is cohabiting with a sexual partner outside of a marriage...the foregoing prohibition applies equally to cohabiting opposite-sex and same-sex individuals.

That's right, all you «One Man/One Woman» folk. The Arkansas Family Council means you. Just when you thought choosing heterosexuality would keep you safe from the prying eyes of Dr. James Dobson, here comes the Arkansas Family Council. «They're coming to your bedroom,» straight people... with a pair of binoculars and a clipboard. And we don't care what you're doing in there but, whatever it is, you'd better have a license to practice.

If you've spent your life as a member of the heterosexual majority, it may take you a while to get used to the idea that your personal life requires supervision. You may think that maturity, a stable relationship, a responsible job and a 700+ credit score are sufficient evidence of good character. No. Sorry. The Arkansas Family Council (AFC) knows better.

According to the AFC, the only criteria for successful parenthood is marriage... unless you're single. Married couples can adopt. Single people can adopt. The only people who are too incompetent to raise a child are the folks who cohabit «with a sexual partner outside of a marriage.»

We'd say, «sex is the issue here,» but that can't be it... because, apparently, it's fine with the AFC if you lay out a sheet of Visqueen, grease up, and roll around on the living room floor while the kids are watching Dora the Explorer and eating chicken nuggets. If you're single, you can swing from the rafters with a new partner 7 nights a week. As long as you don't (gasp) «cohabit,» bring on the kiddies! It's fine with the AFC.

At first, the need to make sure that adults who share an Arkansas household are not having sex with each other struck us as a colossal regulatory burden. Then we read a little further in the AFC's announcment, which says:

We need donations. This effort is about to become very expensive.... We need you to make a generous donation to the Family Council Action Committee today.

Ah.

Yes, you might say that outfitting an army to comb the state for evidence of illicit sex will get very expensive. Then again--and listen up, straight people, you're going to need to know this--they all want to watch.

So, if you're into that sort of thing, adopt a Peeping Tom! Your generous donation to the Family Council Action Committee will buy a disadvantaged voyeur his very own pair of binoculars.

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