Eureka Springs is abuzz over the AFA's gay tourism promotion movie, «They're Coming to Your Town.» Sooner or later, someone will upload this stellar example of the cinematic arts to YouTube and everyone will get to see it--even if they're «not about to give those AFA bastards a dime!»

Here in Eureka Springs, Gay Mecca, the seething epicenter of cultural upheaval, Gay News invested the «suggested donation» of $14.95 in a copy of, «They're Coming to Your Town.» (We wanted to «suggest» a different «donation» but the shopping cart wouldn't let us. Go figure.)

Local citizens have been gathering to watch--and point and snicker at the movie. This critique, our favorite from Eureka's discussion forum, will give you an idea of the community reaction:

Okay, I've seen it and I'd almost swear it was a Saturday Night Live segment from the days when SNL was actually funny. It begins with some boom-chicka-bow-bow music that sounds just like a bad porn. Then an ominous voice announces that the homosexuals (professional ones at that mind you) are on their way to your town.

They show a fierce-looking army of sorts donning pink cowboy hats in the Basin Park. They bring on a homosexual behavior scientist who announces that their studies indicate that gays tend to gravitate toward beautiful, pleasant places! Flip himself gives a brief history of the humusecksuals and how they followed the arts and music to Eureka in the 60's, but remained in their closets where they «did whatever it is they do» in the privacy of their own homes until November of 2006 when they apparently suddenly poured out of their homes to commit sex acts on the street!

If it were a skit on Comedy Central, it would be fucking hilarious. If the intent wasn't to brainwash even more innocent Sunday school children with hate and bigotry, it would be a damn riot. It nearly is anyway, that's how ridiculous it is. I cannot imagine anyone being able to keep a straight face when confronted with the image of the frightening pink-hatted militia consisting of professional homosexual revolutionaries.

But it isn't funny, not really. Not because it is going to hurt Eureka, because that kind of publicity can do nothing but help it. Not because their message is too hateful to be real, because no one (surely no one) would really take that very seriously. No, the reason it isn't very funny is because the prominent actors in this film have shot themselves, and they are too blind to even see it.

The «prominent actors in this film» are, of course, the local tourism industry leaders mentioned in yesterday's post, «Queerly, it's like getting an academy award.» Imagine their surprise when the AFA called a boycott and warned «good Christians» to stay away from the prominent actors' Passion Play dependent businesses. Oops.

But the major local controversy of the moment goes more like this: Now that the foot-shooting fools have starred in the AFA's movie, should we still give them our money? To boycott or not: that is the question.

The main thing we've noticed in the ongoing debate about whether the AFA enablers should be punished for their cooperation with the nationwide, impressionable religious lunatic boycott of Eureka Springs, or whether the stupidity of Eureka's self-appointed tourism leadership is its own reward, is this: People say the darndest things about queers... and they say 'em with a straight face! So to speak.

We've mentioned before that we don't mind being used by politicians and preachers who use gay panic to create a stampede to the polls--and collection plates--as long as we get our cut. But it's difficult to negotiate a royalty for the use of our services because gay bashing has become so much a part of the public rhetoric it apparently sounds mainstream.

The managers of some of Eureka's biggest businesses say things like, «our wedding, family and religious travel has been damaged by marketing to the gays» and, «if you come out and say you're gay friendly, you're going to upset a lot of markets.» Inexplicably, the local defense from the fan base is, «They can't possibly be homophobic. Why, they have gay employees!»

Translation: «We don't want it to get out that the kaffirs patronize our establishment because that would scare off our respectable customers. But those kaffirs, they make damned fine retainers. Why, look at our boy Nellie. He's almost like family.»

Moral of the story: If the sentence doesn't work when you take out the «gay» and replace it with the unacceptable epithet of your choice, you probably shouldn't say it--at least, not if you want to avoid sounding homophobic.

Gay News readers who like to vote with their dollars for always-friendly and -supportive businesses can check out the handy lists of Eureka Pride sponsors and GNB's own Gay Travel Guide. The businesses on those lists can be counted on to avoid comments like, «our business has been damaged by marketing to the Jews.» Oh, sorry. Made you flinch, didn't we? But, you see? You really can't replace «the gays» with any other word--without sounding like a recruitment poster for Stormfront.

If you want to keep up with the «Hate the Queers/Love the Money» crowd, join the Eureka Pride forum and check out the ongoing discussion of who loves you, baby. And who loves you not--though they will beam with false cheer when you whip out the gold card.

We'll leave you to draw your own conclusions and make your own choices because, yes Virginia, where you spend your gay money is a choice.

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