Jacqueline Froelich, radio journalist from KUAF in Fayetteville, asked me last week what I thought about the American Family Association's new video featuring Eureka Springs and entitled «They're Coming to Your Town.»

«I give it two thumbs down for the title alone,» I said. «It should have been «They're Already IN Your Town, Stupid.»

As sound bites go, it was decent. And, probably, I should have just left it at that. But under Froelich's intense questioning, I blurted out the entire gay agenda for the total domination of Eureka Springs.

Well, why not? The AFA broke the story, outing the town as «a national hub for homosexuals . . . the San Francisco of Arkansas . . . and a gay hot spot.» It also says our town--with nary a gay bar let alone a gay bath house--is a «gay sex tourism destination.»

Huh?! Lawdy!

Well, if the AFA's gaydar says so, it must be true.

Also true, as the AFA discovered, the city council has been «taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.»

And, unless the lens-loving Rev. Phil Wilson of the First Christian Church of Eureka Springs gets left on the cutting-room floor (perish the thought), he'll appear on the video to proclaim, «They've come out of the closets!»

Yep, and the door is now wide open for, like, gazillions of gay tourists, right along with regular folk.

Yesserie bob, Puerto Vallarta and Key West will be a ghost towns this winter as the Speedo queens flock instead to the hot hub of Eureka Springs.

Well, there could be worse things than having the American Family Association pimp for your micro-mecca. Our other southern affiliates would die for the kind of national media exposure the debut of this video will generate.

Although, exactly how 10 percent of the gay and gay-friendly population (that's the AFA's «official» estimate) managed to convince the other 90 percent to elect an entirely «pro-homosexual» city council remains a closely-guarded secret. But the way we get elected officials to do our bidding is hardly confidential: Free makeovers and decorating advice. Not only do our alderpersons vote correctly, they read Architectural Digest religiously now and look fab-u-lous.

In any case, the AFA will let the official cat out of the bag with the January release of its blockbuster film and the disclosure that (cue drum roll) WE run things now.

Hell. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Having established thriving gay colonies in every major city in every single state in Gaymerica--New York's Greenwich Village, Chicago's Boystown, Miami's South Beach, New Orleans, Palm Springs, Provincetown and the grand gay-daddy of 'em all, San Francisco's Castro--we have set our sights now on small southern villages.

Ergo, Eureka Springs.

Bible Belt towns are easy pickins'. See, the closets are full to over-flowing and recruiting is a snap. Newbie lesbians get gift cards from Home Depot. No-longer-latent gay men get gift certificates from Bed, Bath & Beyond. Fence-sitting bi-sexuals get both. Trans-sexuals can exchange one for the other when they're ready.

Now firmly in control of city hall, we'll soon rename Eureka Springs' streets after famous «family» members (we were going to name them after pro-family Republicans and preachers who have been outed as gay this year, but we don't have that many streets).

Anyway, within a few short months you'll see the likes of Ellen DeGeneres Drive, kd Lang Lane, Barney Frank Boulevard, Rosie O'Donnell Avenue and Elton John Parkway. Rock House Road will become Rock Hudson Road.

Basin Spring Park, the cruisy (AYOR) hub of homoville, will become Walt Whitman Park. Lake Leatherwood will be Lake Liberace. Beaver Lake, for obvious reasons, will continue to be known as Beaver Lake.

The «Little Switzerland» slogan on the backs of our vintage-style trollies will be changed to «Swish Alps.»

The city's unofficial motto, «Where Misfits Fit,» will be made official--and engraved into new, smooth concrete sidewalks. A girl could break a heel on those limestone slabs.

Instead of four Diversity Weekends a year, there will be fifty-two.

At least.

In fact, we may direct the city council--now that things are going so well--to declare Diversity Weeks. Or even seasons.

Having captured city hall without firing a single shot, our next target will be the Greater Eureka Springs Chamber of Commerce. The take-over should be swift and bloodless.

Any business not gay-owned or gay-friendly (if there are any left) will be listed under «Alternative Lifestyles.» They can apply for membership if they really want to but we're not going to actually, you know, invite them.

After that, look out Great Passion Play. Plans are on the drawing board to transform the venue into a gated gay retirement village to be called Passion Place Townhomes and Richard Simmons Fitness Center.

The PP amphitheater will be enclosed and will offer only Broadway shows. Rent and Hairspray have already been booked. Rather than continue to lip-sync bible verses, the actors will actually speak their lines for a change.

The seven-story Big Jesus statue will remain, but new statues of Barbra Streisand, Bette Davis, Cher and Tina Turner, among others, will be erected--as street lights along Diva Drive.

Same-sex couples wishing to tie the knot in the «honeymoon capital of the South,» are expected to flock to the new Slippery Slope Domestic Partnership Drive-Thru Wedding Chapel.

The town's new sewer plant, if it ever comes on line, will be named for former resident Anita Bryant.

Or, for tireless promoter of Eureka Springs and AFA Chairman Donald E. Wildmon.

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Listen to News Producer Jacqueline Froelich's interview with GNB's film critic, Michael «Scooter» Walsh on National Public Radio KUAF 91.3 FM. The broadcast will air Friday (Dec. 14) on Ozarks At Large at 6 p.m. and stream on-line at KUAF.com.

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