Pat Robertson, along with some other folks, has declared that Interstate Highway 35 is to be the salvation of America from the dreaded homa seckshuls. It's Biblical, they say, citing Isaiah 35:8 recently on The 700 Club:

«And a highway will be there, it will be called the way of holiness.»

They're serious about this. They think this 'way of holiness' is an interstate highway. I-35 is the Highway to Heaven. It's part of 'Gods awesome plan.'

Prophet Cindy Jacob (whoever that is) said, «What do we expect to see? We expect laws to be changed in cities. We expect righteous leaders. We expect a movement, a reformation that will literally sweep the face of the earth.» (Note to Cindy: I-35 runs through six states, but does not cover 'the face of the earth'.)

They're calling this the I-35 Highway to Holiness Initiative. (Praise JEEzuz!)

Why don't they pick on Interstate 80? After all, it's the one that runs into their so-called Sodom by the Sea, San Francisco. S.F. has a much gayer reputation than, say, Oklahoma City. Leave us Midwesterners alone, Pat! Are we going to be seeing Stuckey's restaurants replaced with churches? Pictures of JEEzuz on exit signs? Baptismal fonts at truck stops? «Fill your tank and get saved, all at one convenient location!»

I-35 runs from Duluth, Minnesota, to Laredo, Texas. Right through the middle of America. I'm not sure where the epicenter of homa seckshul activity is along this route. It could be Des Moines, Iowa, where the Democrats will caucus for their presidential nominee in a couple of weeks. We're hell-bound for sure if a Democrat is elected, you know. Never mind that virtually every elected Republican in America is either a closet case doer of dudes or dresses in drag. Or both.

The center of gay activity could also be Minneapolis. Traditionally, the Twin Cities are pretty liberal. Or it could be Dallas. Even though it's in conservative Texas, Dallas has a thriving gay community. Years ago, it seemed like everyone I knew – the gay boys anyway – moved away from Kansas City to Dallas (Save a horse! Ride one of those Texas cowboys!)

But I'm afraid those folks over at The 700 Club will consider the heart of homo-ness to be Kansas City. I-35 runs right through here, and there are several churches that have world headquarters in the Kansas City area; Unity, Church of the Nazarene, Community of Christ (formerly RLDS) to name a few. And the Mormons believe the second coming of Christ will be in Jackson County, Missouri (that's Kansas City).

So, we're right here in the middle of I-35, and the middle of holiness. Unity's a pretty cool church. They don't care one way or the other if you're gay. Church of the Nazarene and Community of Christ aren't quite as down with the queers. And the Mormons don't really dig us at all.

These highwaymen are committed to what they are calling «purity sieges». They «purify» abortion clinics, gay bars and porn shops. They reportedly have at least one converted soul already, due to 'witnessing' and 'laying on of hands' at a gay bar somewhere along the I-35 corridor.

From Jesus' General: «…strapping young Christian men are invading homosexual bars, laying their hands upon the patrons, and making them scream Jesus' name in ecstasy…»

I have to admit, I've screamed in ecstasy a time or two while being invaded by a strapping young Christian man.

Folks, I'm kind of slow, but I think I know what's going on here. It's that laying-on-of-hands thing. Woo hoo! Lay some hands on me, fella! I might even return the favor, if you look anything like Anderson Cooper or that new Bond guy. On the other 'hand' if you look like a Jericho Rider, you're gonna have to go lay hands on yourself.

So now we're going to be inundated with the Christian Right cruising gay bars groping people.

«Brother, let me witness to you.» (grope, grope)

«Do you witness as a top or a bottom?»

«I'm versatile. I'm also into oral witnessing. Now let's enjoy some fellowship.»

Hey Pat, would you take your unbalanced self somewhere else and leave I-35 alone? Please? We're already keeping it real with all the holy stuff around these parts.

And while you're at it, Pat, tell the Jericho Riders that I-35 isn't anywhere near Eureka Springs. We don't need to be groped by those folks.

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