We didn't want to miss yesterday's «Christian Perspective» program on KTCN 100.9 FM because it featured an interview with Eureka's own local Jericho Rider, Kevin B. Thompson.

Thompson announced his appearance on the Jericho Rider's forum with the comment, «I am asking that you please pray for me, though I know that Jesus is with me, my flesh still wants to be nervous.» So, before we move briskly along to the sort of commentary that makes the Baby Jesus cry, a brief pause for this supportive message:

[Kevin, you have a very nice radio voice and you did just fine. See? You even had a fan call from the earnest listener who called in to play, «Stump the Pastor» with his obscure Bible question.]

The interview was styled as a conversation between Thompson and Pastor Gene Gilmore from Eureka's First Assembly of God Church. We tuned in just as Gilmore was explaining how, «We didn't support the Jericho Riders at first because we didn't know who you were.»

«We,» Pastor Gilmore? Who are «we?»

No matter, because Thompson confessed he didn't really want to be a Jericho Rider in the first place. If left to his own devices, Thompson would have preferred to relax and enjoy the view from his deck but, alas, God had a different plan for Mr. Thompson.

Through some divine, yet unspecified method, God directed Thompson to exchange his addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol and lazy days on the lanai for a motorcycle--and a Bible. Behold: Eureka's one-man chapter of the Jericho Riders Motorcycle Ministry was born.

Gilmore launched the interview with a soothing recital, «We just want things to be the way they used to be. There have been homosexuals in Eureka Springs for, oh, 30 or 40 years but Eureka used to be known for Christ of the Ozarks and Thorncrown Chapel. Now we're [there's that «we» again] ... we're afraid it's becoming known for homosexuals.»

«It's not just the homosexuals,» Thompson worried. «There are people here who worship with crystals. People who worship Satan. In public.» Then Thompson drifted off reflectively, «There's a lot of darkness. It's... it's... darkness.»

«Don't you think people have the right, as citizens, to be gay or lesbian if they want to?» asked Gilmore.

«No!» Thompson exclaimed. «I'd have to check the law, but I don't believe gays and lesbians have the right, as citizens, to be gay or lesbian. They definitely don't have the right if you are God!»

Gilmore pointed out that, while some people say they agree with the Jericho Rider's message, they don't like the overly vigorous and invasive delivery then asked, «How do you answer people who say you're spreading a message of hate?»

«It's not me,» Thompson answered. It's God's word. If people think it's hate, they're hating the word of God.»

The interview was sprinkled with frequent references to Thompson's family business, a landscaping and fix-er-up enterprise named, «Thompson Times Two,» (Thompson x 2 = Thompson + his wife.) Listeners were invited to worship at the Beaver Lake Baptist Fellowship with Pastor Mike Mercer, Eureka's own holy warrior against all things «eclectic.»

But the most interesting revelation came when Gilmore said, «You don't need a motorcycle to join the Jericho Riders. Is that right?»

«That's right,» Thompson agreed. «You don't need a motorcycle.»

And there you have it, Gay News readers.

While you do need $50 bucks, a letter from your pastor and a 500-or-less-word essay, no motorcycle is required to join the Jericho Riders...uh...»motorcycle ministry.»

Thompson announced that the Jericho Riders will appear in Eureka's Christmas Parade on November 30 flanked, we assume, by the motorcycle-free Jericho Striders.

If you're ready to sign up to ride or ramble with the Jericho's, here's a link to the full list of membership requirements. Fill out your application for the Jericho's motorcycle-free ministry today, and remember:

The Jericho Riders don't want to harangue gays, lesbians, satanic crystal worshipers, school children, elected officials and the like. (God makes them do it.) No disagreement with the Jericho Rider's viewpoint is possible. They, and they alone, know what God wants. (Just ask them.)

If the Jericho Riders get carried away with their righteous mission from time to time, don't blame them. Their words and actions are neither their fault nor their responsibility. (They're God's.) And, if you don't like the way the Jericho's behave, well... you know who to take it up with. (That's right. Take a number. Your complaints will be addressed by none other than... God.)

Next up on KTCN's «Christian Perspectives» (in our dreams): «God's policies and procedures for filing a grievance over the behavior of His self-designated earthly representatives.»

Don't touch that dial.

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