Here's my bitch. And I don't mean Fred.

Here it is, the week before Fall Diversity Weekend, and I'm stuck in Kansas City. I can't go. Shit. I've canceled reservations and come to accept the fact I'll be here while I SHOULD be in Eureka Springs.Shit, shit, SHIT!

I suppose there are more important things to be pissed off about. I could focus on (in no particular order):

• global warming,
• why people who can't sing insist on going to the bar on karaoke night,
• the war in Iraq/Afghanistan,
• George Bush,
• dogs and cats without homes,
• the economy,
• people without homes,
• HIV disease,
• the housing market,
• pregnant teenagers,
• why new cars are so ridiculously expensive,
• male-pattern baldness,
• George Bush,
• fires in California,
• why that idiot in the gold SUV doesn't use his turn indicator,
• why I don't have a personal cook and a maid,
• George Bush,
• drought in the southeast,
• children with life-threatening illnesses,
• why the massive amount of work supplies I ordered won't arrive until Friday,
• Ann Coulter,
• why True Value hardware refuses to put their toll-free number in actual numbers in their advertisements, not some clever '800-t-r-u-e-v-a-l-u-e' so that I get all their calls.(«Print shop, this is Yip speaking.»
  «Yes, is that 50 foot rubber hose still on special?»
  «Cram it, mister. I'm supposed to be in Arkansas.»)
• George Bush,
• poverty in America,
• the Phelps Klan,
• D.A.D.T.,
• cell phones that don't work,
• cancer,
• computers that don't work,
• George Bush,
• why Ty Pennington won't come over – and bring Paul with him – to refurbish my house…or…something,
• Osama bin Laden
• why every time I go to a bar and order a Rob Roy they bring me a Manhattan
  («It's made with Scotch, goddam it! NOT bourbon! Who the hell do I have to fuck to get a decent drink in this dive!?»),
• how Ugly Betty can be so saccharine sweet when life deals her nothing but shit,
• George Bush,
• why people have children they don't want to take care of,
• why the kitty bites me when I drop-kick him after a tough day.

I could go on. Mercifully, I won't. There are myriad bitches to focus on. I'm too self-centered right now to give a damn about any of them. I want to go to Eureka Springs and I can't.

«Waiter! This self pity is COLD!»

SHIT!

I'm too wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself and bitchiness to think about anything else.

There are those who would say, «This too shall pass.» Right. Those are the same people who say, «Rhubarb is really good if you put enough sugar on it!» Sure it is. Cat shit is probably good if you put enough sugar on it.

I want to go to Eureka.
I want to wander around downtown looking at stuff I can't afford to buy.
I want to hug friends I've met down there before.
I want to hug the new friends I'd meet this time.
I want to drink beer in EVERY bar in town.
I want to pat cute men on the ass.
I want to see the amazing scenery while the leaves are turning.
I want to ask one of the Jericho Riders if he would like a date.
I want to walk by the 'ex-gay' table and tell them they're full of shit.
I want to see drag queens and stuff dollar bills in their fake cleavage.
I want to see Great Passion Play attendees stare at boys wearing rainbow-colored boas.
I want to bitch because the bartender brings me a Manhattan instead of a Rob Roy.
I want to see drag kings and stuff dollar bills in their tight blue jeans.
I want to be chauffeured in that limo from bar to bar when I get too 'ignrnt' to drive.
I want to proudly boycott the businesses that don't support the DPR.
I want to marvel at that little store that seems so out of place, because it IS out of place. That's why it fits so perfectly in Eureka.
I want to look at the Great Big Jesus and wonder how someone could think he actually looked like that.
I want to drive back to Kansas City totally exhausted and broke, but smiling.

I know, I know. I should be happy with what I've got. Next week I probably will be. But not right now. I'm wrapped in a heavy duty, full length, all-weather coat of self pity. I'm sitting in a swirling hot tub of 'Poor Yip' and the water is burning.

That's my bitch.

So, for all of you who ARE attending Fall Diversity, please do me a favor. Do all of the things I've mentioned above. Dance. Sing. Party. Get 'ignrnt'. Ride in that limo. Tell those Jericho people they're full of shit. Spend money until your credit cards are melted. Throw money at the drags.

Most of all, have the BEST time ever. Ok? Thank you. My bitch is already beginning to recede! I'll see you next year.

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