No. 1. Pork (not the verb kind of pork)

My father called last week. «Yip, Super Fresh Groceries has pork loin on special. If I pick one up, will you cook it for me? You know, the way you did those pork chops the last time I was over?»

Yip: You mean with the marinade recipe Monika gave me?

Father: I guess so. I don't know what you did, but those were the best goddam pork chops I've had in years. Can you do that with a pork roast?

Y: I've never done it with a roast, but I don't know why it wouldn't work.

F: Good. I'll pick up the roast. You can take half of it for you and Fred.

Y: No, dad, keep it. You can freeze it, you know.

F: Well, I'll get it. You come on over tomorrow night and we'll divvy it up.

I go over to his place after work. This pork loin is enormous. It must be 2 ½ feet long, 4 or 5 inches in diameter. I tell him I'll cut it into serving-size pieces and make the marinade for it. He can freeze the individual servings and cook them whenever he wants.

My father doesn't eat. I have no idea how the man stays alive, because he just doesn't eat. Dinner usually consists of Jell-O with a banana. That's if he's really hungry.

«They had these deli chickens on sale too, so I got one. Why don't you take part of this home with you?» He pulls the chicken out of the refrigerator. One wing is missing. «I had a wing for dinner last night.»

Yip: What else?

Father: That was all.

Y: You had ONE chicken wing for dinner?

F: I had a bowl of ice cream later.

Y: Sounds like a healthy diet to me!

I take the pork loin home and slice half of it into 1» thick pieces, the other half into large slabs, about enough to feed four people at one sitting. I divide the smaller pieces into several freezer bags, with a bunch of marinade in each bag. On the outside of each bag I write the cooking instructions. He doesn't have to remember how to cook it. It's all right there on the bag. Two days later I call him.

Y: Have you tried any of the pork yet?

F: Well, I don't know what I did wrong. I cooked it just like you said. It was still cold.

Y: Did you thaw it before cooking it?

F: Oh. Maybe that's what I did wrong. After the second time I cooked it, it was tough as a boot.

Y: You cooked it twice?

F: It was still cold after the first cooking. I took it out of the marinade and zapped it in the microwave.

Y: Dad, you have to thaw it first.

F: Ok. Your uncle is coming in for a couple of days next week. I'll try it again then.

Y: Just remember to thaw it before you cook it.

F: Huh? I didn't thaw it the first time….

Y: Yeah, and you said it was tough, too.

F: It was. I had to cook it twice to even get it warm.

Y: That's because it wasn't thawed. YOU HAVE TO THAW IT BEFORE YOU COOK IT!

F: Your uncle likes Kentucky Fried chicken. Maybe we'll go there.

Y: That's a good idea.

No. 2 The Odds of a Kitty Bite

The cat is lying on the footstool. One of his favorite places. He can see the entire Not-So-Great room from this perch, and watch for trespassing birds and chipmunks on the patio.
Kitty: What's for dinner?

Yip: I'm having chicken fried steak. You're having Grilled Tuna Supper.

K: Is it the Friskies or that store-brand crap?

Y: It's all the same, you know.

K: The hell it is! That stuff in the yellow can tastes like shit.
Y: If it sits there long enough, you'll eat it. You could just have the dry stuff, you know.

K: Well, the dry stuff is kind of fun when you flick it across the floor and I chase it. It's good practice. Keeps me in shape for those chipmunks out there.

As he rolls on his back, I reach down and stroke his stomach. He lies there for a minute, then decides it's time to play. He bats my hand with a front paw. (He doesn't seem to realize he doesn't have front claws.) I pinch his stomach and he starts that kicking thing with his back legs. Odds are this will go on about 30 seconds before he bites my wrist. No claws, but he has fangs from hell. I have the scars on my wrist to prove it.

K: Ahhhhhh, fresh blood!

Y: Damn it! That hurt!

K: Shouldn't you go fix dinner now? Bring me a beer while you're at it. And I want some Bailey's with my cheesecake.

Y: Dream on, cat.

K: You know, when you're not here I walk on the kitchen counters.

No. 3 Overheard at Walgreen's

A good looking man is asking a male sales clerk where something is located in the store. The sales clerk is quite effeminate. He flips a limp wrist and points, «It's in aisle 4. Just below the K-Y.»

Good looking man walks away.

The sales clerk turns to a woman co-worker, «Did you see THAT! Girl, I could do that one, for sure!»

Woman Clerk: «Maybe he'll buy some K-Y too!»

Male Clerk: «OOOOOOH! You so bad! Now STOP that!»

Woman: «Bitch!»

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