A two-thirds majority of the Gay News staff was recently stricken by flu. We know America counts on the GLBT community to keep our less fortunately endowed brothers and sisters ahead of the cultural curve. So we're pleased to report that, by the time the first flu clinic in Arkansas opened, Gay News staffers were already rolling their eyes and flipping their wrists in a dismissive gesture. «Flu? Puh-leeze. That's so last week!»

We did our best to remain limply vigilant throughout the ordeal and, at first we thought it was the fever but no--now that the medication has worn off--we believe we're seeing the first signs of an unmistakable trend.

It started with a flurry of correspondence, blogs and posts on local bulletin boards. The message from new citizens and visitors: «Hey, where is the circuit? We've been looking high and low in Eureka Springs, and all we find is boring gay couples shopping for tchotchkes together and mixed groups of couples and singles, gay and straight, all hanging out together in the same places. Where are the wild, debauched, gay recruitment parties the religious right have been telling us so much about?»

Hmmm...come to think of it, here in Eureka Springs, the gay, straight and none-of-the-above contingents are fully integrated and equally mainstream. We felt warm and fuzzy thinking about that for a minute, but then we received a MySpace bulletin from an outraged lesbian musician that made us raise a single, excruciatingly well-manicured eyebrow:

I'm a lesbian artist, so naturally, I play a lot of lesbian venues. Now, not so recently I realized that once in a while another female musician or two would make it a habit of playing only lesbian venues, doing all but admitting they were gay to all of the adoring lesbian crowds...but in actuality, they are completely straight. Now they are all over the damned place! Playing lesbian bars, dishing lesbian dirt, reading lesbian magazines, chanting lesbian slogans and wearing rainbows...then going home to their men. WTF??? No really. What The FUCK.

Ahem. Wait a minute. Do you mean to say--surely you don't mean to say--that straight people are pretending to be gay? Outrageous! This is our closet, people. You'd better keep your tawdry wraps and galoshes as far away as possible from our Burberry trenchcoats and Gucci boots.

If anybody is going to be impersonating somebody else's sexual orientation, it's going to be us, see? We've been pretending to be straight for centuries. We've got seniority! So if you think you can move into our abandoned closet, consider, «To Wong Foo,» to be your training film. Pay particular attention when Chi-Chi Rodriguez shakes her well manicured forefinger and lycra-clad hips and says, «I d'unt theeenk so!»

Like most trends, it's hard to know what this will mean in the long run--it's all so new. There's something about the idea of openly gay people living dull, public lives while straight people cover the social stigma of heterosexuality by pretending to be gay that strikes us as significant. We'll keep our eye on the phenomenon here at Gay News and keep you posted.

Oh, and we've just signed up for our own GaySpace. Come be our friend: www.myspace.com/gaynewsbureau

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