Let's see…where were we? Oh yes, we're on the Greyhound bus speeding toward Hays, Kansas with the Skinny Cowboy, Mr. Foot and Miss Texas.A couple of hours after leaving Colby, and several phone calls from Mr. Foot to everyone in the known universe, we pull into Hays. Miss Texas lets everyone on the bus know that she has GOT to get to the ladies room, FAST! Mr. Foot tells her – and everyone else – that men are superior, because they just learn to hold it without complaint. As the bus comes to a stop I'm wondering how bladder size makes one person better than another.

Everyone exits the bus to smoke cigarettes and visit the restrooms, with Miss Texas leading the way. The «operator» has told us his replacement will be here shortly, and that we have 15 minutes to explore.

«The bus will leave in EXACTLY 15 minutes. Be on board or be left behind!»

I'm lighting up beside the bus. A black man wearing an orange suit and white patent leather shoes asks me for a light. It's windy (it's always windy in Kansas) but we get his cigarette lit.

«You travel by bus often?» he asks.

«No. This is my first time.»

«My wife and I use the bus all the time. We've been to every state but Alaska and Hawaii. All by bus!»

I leave the masochistic orange-suited man in search of a cup of coffee and a Little Debbie.

15 minutes later we're all gathered around the bus, finishing cigarettes and munching on various treats, waiting for our new «operator.»

20 minutes pass.

25 minutes pass.

Finally, a rather large woman with red-tinted hair lumbers over to the bus. «Best get on board! We're leaving!»

Everyone settles into their seats. Skinny Cowboy looks at his watch, «I only have 30 minutes to catch my connection in Kansas City. Hope we make it in time.»

Our new «operator» grabs the intercom mic as we rumble toward Eastbound I-70.

«Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Darlene. I'll be your operator to Kansas City. Now, there are a few things you need to know about our trip to K.C. This is MY bus! I don't take no shit off nobody. You treat me with respect, I'll treat you with respect. See what I mean? This is a give and take situation. You give me respect, I give you respect.»

Cowboy and I glance at each other. He smiles a little and lifts an eyebrow, in kind of an unspoken 'What the hell?'

Darlene continues, «Now, a lot of people, mostly men, don't think a woman can handle a bus this size. Well, lemme tell ya, I been doin this for 14 years, and I ain't never had no wrecks, I ain't never been stopped by a cop.»

Miss Texas speaks up, «You tell 'em! A woman can do anything a man can do. Prob'ly better!»

Darlene ignores the comment and continues, «Now, we got a bit of a late start from Hays, and I'm gonna make up them minutes. In fact, we're gonna make a stop in Junction City, if I can make up enough time. This will be a courtesy stop. It's not somethin' I have to do, but, like I said, you don't give me no shit, and I'll show you respect by givin' you a courtesy stop in Junction City. Ok? Now. There are rules on my bus. There will be NO smokin' on my bus. There will be NO drinkin' alcohol on my bus. If I see anybody smokin', or drinkin' liquor, I'm gonna put your ass off my bus right in the middle of nowhere Kansas. How you get to town is gonna be your problem, not mine. I don't give a shit. I've done it before, I'll do it again if anybody gives me any shit. I know most of the cops in these little towns, if I make a call to them, they're gonna be here pronto. So don't gimme no shit and we'll have us a nice trip to K.C. And we might be able to make a stop in Junction for a minute or two. You stay outta my business, and I'll stay outta yours.»

Wow! I hadn't planned on giving Darlene any shit in the first place, but now I know that even if the urge to give shit strikes, I'll think twice. We didn't get this little lecture from the first «operator,» but maybe he HAS had wrecks. Maybe he HAS been stopped by the cops. Maybe he DOES take shit from the passengers. We all know Darlene doesn't.

I look over at Skinny Cowboy. He turns to me and softly, almost inaudibly says, «shit.» We both laugh a little, but not too loudly. We're afraid if Darlene hears us, she may take our laughter as «disrespect.» Or «giving her shit.»

We glide down the interstate. Miss Texas is talking with Darlene, despite the sign above her that reads,

«Please do not engage your operator in conversation.»

Darlene doesn't seem to mind. Apparently this blatant disregard of bus rules isn't her idea of «giving her shit.» They're talking about a job waiting in Maryland, how she met Mr. Foot, his daughter Apple, a tee shirt they bought for Apple, how women are better than men in most every aspect of life. Mr. Foot is, remarkably, silent. Occasionally one of the women says something about male deficiency, and Mr. Foot says, «Bullshit!»

This goes on for the next few hours as we near Junction City. Darlene picks up the microphone, «Ladies and gentlemen, this is your operator, Darlene.»

A voice from somewhere behind me says, «I thought it was the voice of God.»

«I was able to make up enough time that we're gonna have a stop in Junction City. Now, this is a courtesy stop that I'm givin' you. I don't have to stop here, but I'm makin' pretty good time, so we'll stop for 10 minutes. Just long enough for a potty break.»

Miss Texas says to Darlene, «Don't stop on my account. I can sure wait! You don't have to stop unless you want to.»

Darlene says, «I know that, honey. You ain't tellin' me nothin' I don't know. I need a cigarette anyway.»

Texas turns to Foot, «God, me too! Where'd you put them cigarettes, hon?»

We pull up by a little convenience store just off the interstate. Darlene heads for the ladies room while most everyone else gets off for a cigarette. A few minutes later, Darlene comes back out and lights up. A young woman in the parking lot, not a bus passenger, approaches her.

«Is that the bus to Kansas City?» she asks Darlene.

I can't hear what the response was, they're too far away. About this time a young guy who IS a passenger walks over to the two women. I can't hear what's going on, but I definitely hear Darlene as she shouts to the man,

«NO! You don't EVEN get in MY business!» She turns and starts walking back to the bus, then turns back around when the man says something, «I SAID, you do NOT get in MY business!»

I can see the young man say something back to her.

«Oh HELL no!» she says, stabbing the air with her cigarette. «You do NOT give ME no shit! I'll call the fuckin' cops!»

Again, the young man says something to her.

«Fine! Suit yourself buddy!» She pulls out her cell phone, punches some numbers and waits. I can see her talking into the phone, but have no idea what's being said.

«Ok, smart ass! The cops are comin! I'm puttin your ass off my bus!»

It seems like only a minute or two, and two patrol cars show up. The cops get out and start talking to Darlene. Several of the passengers are milling around the bus.

«What's going on?»

«Damned if I know.»

«I guess that guy gave Darlene some shit!»

Skinny Cowboy says, «C'mon people. Can't we just get to Kansas City? Jesus Christ!»

One cop takes the young man aside and is talking to him, the other cop is talking to Darlene. The woman who asked about the bus gets in a car with someone else and leaves.

We wait.

Darlene, the young man and the cops are walking back toward the bus. She opens the cargo hold of the bus.

«Get his bag and get his ass off my bus! I don't put up with that shit from nobody!»

The cops start digging through bags and suitcases. «What's it look like?» one of the cops asks the man. «It's a duffle bag. Gray.» he says. A large bag is tossed to the ground. «That's it.»

Skinny Cowboy is looking at his watch every few seconds. «I'm never gonna make my connection. C'mon people! Can't we just get ON THE ROAD!?»

About 30 minutes or so later, we're back on the bus headed toward Kansas City. Darlene picks up the mic.

«Ladies and gentlemen, this is Darlene.»

There's an audible moan from the seat behind me.

«Now people, I told you I don't put up with no shit from nobody. That guy back there found out EXACTLY what I mean. Let's make the rest of our trip nice and relaxing, ok? Let's respect each other, ok? We're gonna be in Kansas City before you know it!»

Under his breath Cowboy says, «God, I hope so.»

Miss Texas says, «I think you done the right thing, Darlene. That guy was asking for it.»

Mr. Foot adds, «Yeah. If you need somebody to vouch for you, we'll do it! That guy was a dipshit!»

This is interesting. During the whole brouhaha, Texas and Foot were inside the store, pigging out on Twinkies and Diet Cokes. They couldn't possibly know what had transpired. I guess several hours of talking about how women should rule the world, and Mr. Foot saying he'd NEVER treat Miss Texas badly, had brought the three of them close. Foot and Texas apparently felt some sort of bond with Darlene.

My heart was warmed.

After what seemed like 3 weeks, we finally got to the bus station in Kansas City. I said goodbye to the Skinny Cowboy, and hoped he would make his connection to Springdale. I looked around the terminal hoping to see my brother and his gun. There were four nuns on a bench waiting for a bus. I figured if they got Darlene as their «operator» they probably wouldn't give her any shit.

Various other people were wandering around, waiting to catch a bus or meet someone coming in. One was a kind of scraggly looking guy with his back to me, wearing a black tee shirt. When he turned around, I could see the lettering on the shirt, in white letters, about 5 inches tall: FUCK OFF.

I wondered if that was the same kind of tee shirt Apple was going to get. I spotted my brother.

«Hey Yip! How was the bus ride?»

«Interesting, to say the least. Now, for the love of God, get me OUT of here!»

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