I haven?t been to a movie in quite a while. I like movies, I just don?t go much any more in my old age. I prefer to rent them and watch in the privacy of the not-so-great room at Hell?s Half Acre. Some movies lose a lot in the transfer from large screen to small, but the popcorn is cheaper at home. I don?t have to listen to people cough and babies cry, and I can mash the little ?pause? button whenever I want. So I generally avoid theaters.

I did go to see ?Brokeback Mountain? in the theater. (I had to in order to keep my Homosexual Agenda membership card.) That was the last movie I?'ve seen in a theater.

The other day I was thinking about the first time I ever went to a theater. I couldn'?t have been more than 5 or 6 years old. My mother took me to downtown Kansas City, on the streetcar, to the picture show. Yes, I?'m old. Back then they were ?picture shows?, ? at least in my family, ? and Kansas City still had streetcars.

The movie was ?Say One for Me?, starring Bing Crosby, Robert Wagner and ??? some woman. (At that age, women were interchangeable to me except for my mom and my grandmothers.)

I don?t remember much about the movie. I think Bing Crosby was a priest but wouldn?'t bet on it. I was more excited about traveling on a streetcar to The Big City than to care about what picture show it was. This was a rare treat.

But the REAL treat came when the movie started. A treat that I still think about all these years later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Ladies and gentlemen, we will now take a short intermission to delve into the Vast Wasteland known as ????

YIP?S BRAIN

I?'m thinking - -

I don?t know how or why I'?m gay.

Is it because my mother ate too much broccoli while pregnant?

I don?t know.

Is it some genetic thingy that first showed it?s microscopic face generations ago in my great, great, great, great grandfather?

I don?t know.

Did God line up ten people who were about to be born and pick one out and say, ?Thou art special amongst my humans! Thou art gay!?

I don?t know.

Is it because my father ran track and wore tight shorts in high school?

I don?t know.

What I DO know is that I thank God every day for being who I am: a gay man. I'?ve tried a few times in my life to be straight. It didn'?t take.

I tried running track. That was really a dumb move, because I had to shower with all the other track guys. NOT what a straight boy wannabe needs to look at!

I dated and had sex with cute girls.

I prayed that God would remove my affliction, then threw curses skyward because I was still a homo.

No matter what I did, it just didn?'t take.

It took me way too many years to finally realize that I?'m OK. I?m GLAD it didn?'t take. After all, who am I to question what God has done?!

We?'re on pretty good terms now, me and God. I communicate with him quite a lot now. And I thank him for allowing me to shower next to David Brewer after track meets.

It?'s not that I don?'t like straight people. It?'s not that I think I?'m ?better? than them in any way. Most straight folks are kind, giving, responsible, downright good people, and I like them. Most of them, anyway.

I just wish we could all be happy being who we are. Who God made us to be. We would probably all get along a lot better if that were the case.

Uh oh, now I?m thinking again.

What's for dinner tonight? Maybe fried chicken. Oh never mind. This thinking stuff is giving me a headache.

**Ok ladies and gentlemen, now that we'?ve ventured through Yip'?s brain and heard the echoes that cavernous void provides, we can settle back into our cushy chairs and continue with the movie.

I mean picture show.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Real Treat that day:

Robert Wagner.

He was enormous on the silver screen.

I thought he was the most magnificently beautiful creature I?'d ever seen. I was totally smitten. In my pre-pubescent mind, he was GOD. (My tastes have changed since then. Now I think just about every man is beautiful in some way or another. But that'?s another story that?'s far too sordid to go into right now.)

I wanted to look like Robert Wagner.

I wanted to walk like Robert Wagner.

I wanted to talk like Robert Wagner.

I wanted to BE Robert Wagner.

When we got home from the picture show I told my friend Mona Lisa Beismeyer I was going to be Robert Wagner when I grew up. I think she was going to be Annie Oakley, or ??? some woman.

Looking back, I think Mona Lisa was probably a lesbian. I knew I was gay. I didn'?t know what that actually meant, and I couldn'?t put a name to it, but I knew Robert Wagner surely had something to do with it. (Praise God and hallelujah!)

Robert Wagner went on to become a huge star of movies and television. I went on to become a homosexual. Thank you, Bob, for whatever you may have contributed.

Oh, and the ?some woman? in that movie was Debbie Reynolds. Of course I know that now, since being an out homa seckshul has allowed me to appreciate and admire Ms. Reynolds? talent unashamedly. I mean, who can forget ?The Unsinkable Molly Brown??! Or, more importantly, her ?Molly Brown? co-star Harve Presnell, who looked pretty doggone good back then.

But I never wanted to BE Harve Presnell. And now, I'?m ever so glad I'?m not Robert Wagner.

Popularity: 3% [?]