The missionary disciples of the Gay News Independent Mini Cooper Ministry went out to cruise the multitudes today-- where we observed a curious phenomenon: nearly every motel marquee on our official E/W village arterial (US Hwy 62) says, «Welcome Hells Angels.»

That's right. The Hells Angels are coming to town. They're expected to rumble over the enchanted borders of our quaint little Victorian motorcycle village on Wednesday. Clearly, the staunch defenders of righteousness --the ones who keep business hours on Highway 62-- are mighty excited.

Is it just us? Or is there something deliciously ironic about good, Christian, family-values-promoting motels, hosts of our new «tear down the sinful deviant strongholds» friends the Jericho Riders, posting a «Welcome Hells Angels» message on their street-side marquees?

Imagine....

Family Values. Hells Angels. (Would that be translated as, «God says marriage is only intended for one man, one bitch?»)

Ward, June, Wally, the Beav' and a beautiful black 'n white vision of Maple Street. Hells Angels. (Hide the lawnmower Ward! The Hells Angels are rebuilding their carburetors. Stop sniveling. Give up your gasket!)

Jesus says, «Do as I say or I will fry you like a fig tree in the fiery pits of Hell!» Hells Angels. (Who are not, shall we say, known for their enthusiasm about conforming to external rules?)

It's not that we don't like imperfectly translated Japanese dinosaur movies as much as the next bitch who fell off the back of the Mini Cooper. Total failure to synch the audio with the video is the primary charm of the genre... right?

So we're fine, absolutely fine, with the paradoxical notion of our good, conservative, Christian neighbors formally and biblically despising committed gay relationships in favor of Hells Angels family values. Gay marriage: bad. Outlaw biker family values: good. Yes, this particular philosophical yoga pose makes total sense to us. Really.

Because the Hells Angels and the Independent Mini Cooper Ministry have a lot in common--a theory that is best explained by the message we found on a Good Christian web site:

Does anyone ever wonder how or why the Hell's Angels club was created in the first place? Any spiritually advanced Christian knows that Satan, from the beginning of time, has does everything in his power to turn mankind against God and the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ himself, and unfortunately he can see into the future. So he knew that in 1948 that a club would be formed in San Bernadino that would first start out as an innocent bikers club, but then turn into an international crime organization that would be run worldwide by unsuspecting human beings, doing EXACTLY what Satan expected and told them them to do. In fact, each member, whether they know it or not, was picked by Satan and his minions of hell since the day of their birth. I know for a fact that NONE of the Hell's Angel member is a Christian and for those members who claim to be one, they couldn't be a true one for wanting to be called a » Hell's Angel.»

Is it just us? Is it deja vu? Or is there something about the wholesale condemnation of a group that is somehow... somehow... it's on the tip of our tongues, we can't quite put a finger on it, we can't think of any more literary cliches except the one about how a rolling stone gathers no moss... but there's something about people leveling a group and dismissing their relevance with wholesale condemnation, without reference to any of the individuals who are members of that group, that is somehow...somehow... hauntingly familiar.

So may we, the ten-percenters, be the first to welcome the one-percenters to town Hells Angels. Yes. We know. Fox News says, «Gays aren't 10% of the population!» and, in Eureka's case, that's true. We're more like a quarter of the population.

But y'all come on down. Have fun. In honor of the upcoming weekend, we have taken the liberty of assuming a 1% outlaw biker name, courtesy of the automatic Outlaw Biker Name Generator. According to the handy-dandy generator, Gay News Bureau should be known as «Lil' Bitch, riding with the Popes of Hell MC.»

So call us Popes of Hell. Call us Gay News. Just call us.

We'll see you on the streets.

You'll be who you are. We'll be the badass bitches in the Mini Coopers, Popes of Hell MC.

I don't care whether they respect me or not. They just better treat me like I want to be treated or stay away from me.--Sonny Barger, Hells Angels founder in an interview with the Suicide Girls

Uh huh. Exactly. High five Sonny.

Popularity: 4% [?]