Here at the Independent Mini Cooper Ministry, we're all a-titter over the arrival of our role models, the Jericho Riders and their Independent Motorcycle Ministry.

The Jericho Riders announced that, on Saturday August 4th, «at noon, in [Basin Park], Jesus Christ WILL be lifted up.» The bookies gathered in our vestry are doing a brisk business with, «Jesus will be lifted with a clean and jerk,» favored over «Jesus will be bench pressed;» current odds: 2:1.

If you know the answer to the eternal question, «WDJW (what does Jesus weigh)?» let us know via our combination prayer request/race sheet tipster hot line so we can win the bet and pour every dime of our wages of sin into Mini Cooper Ministry outreach programs.

You help us scam the vestry bookies; we'll help you get you past the velvet ropes and the big, gnarly, glowing-red-eyed bouncers at the Inferno-- the hottest «It» club on the River Styx.

We can't promise you eternal salvation if you do exactly as we say. At the moment, the Jericho Riders have an exclusive no-bid contract on eternal salvation... and that's fine. The Mini Cooper Ministry is very new in the whole Saving Souls with Matching Vehicles game. We expect to earn our chops. Move up through the ranks. We understand the system and we're willing to pay our dues.

But, if you are willing to do exactly what we say, we can promise you a personal introduction to the Inferno's maitre de and the best table, furthest from the Hibachi, at the Inferno Club. If that's not enough of an inducement for you....well go to Hell.

Oh. Right. Sorry. You've already bought a first class ticket to Hell with the optional «2 for 1» club car cocktail coupon for libations en route. Nevermind. We'll get with the Human Resources Department, work out a more enticing recruitment package, and get back to you with a convincing offer.

Meanwhile....

Here at Gay News, we've realized that we need a healthy hobby to while away the hours until Jesus punts our sinful souls into the fiery pit with a well-placed kick of His holy hobnailed motorcycle boot. Fortunately, fellow Gay News staffer Jan Ridenour has given us An Idea.

In her interview with 365gay.com, Ridenour suggests the idea of a Wednesday Night Bowling League. We don't know if this concept will fly with our role models, the Jericho Riders, because we suspect they're otherwise occupied on Wednesday nights.

But a bowling league is a perfect fit for the Mini Cooper Ministry--not because we actually plan to bowl. Oh my Gay God! We might break a nail and... girl, have you seen the pitiful excuse for footwear they rent at bowling alleys? We would never, ever under any circumstances be caught dead in a pair of tawdry shoes that make our ankles look that fat!

But... and this may be very difficult to understand, we beg your indulgence and prayerful understanding.... bowling fashion isn't all about the shoes.

Sister Devoida Taste, lay minister and leader of the Mini Cooper Tragic Fashion Victim Outreach Ministry, would like to share her ideas about bowling team uniforms with the congregation at large.

Suggested attire for the Red Team:

(Bowling for Jesus...because He died for our pins)

Suggested attire for the Blue Team:

From the Betty Bowers BASH (Baptists are Saving Homosexuals) Collection

Yes, we know. Asking your opinion is a clear sign of weakness on the part of the Mini Cooper Ministry. But, as we admitted earlier, this whole «saving souls with matching vehicles» thing is new to us.

Yes, we understand that we're not here to ask you what you think. We're here to tell you what to think. Yes, we understand that dictating your personal beliefs is our holy and righteous mission.

We're ready to step up to the plate and smite your ass all the way to Delaware if you don't do as we say....

Just as soon as we share a few moments of fellowship at the instructive, leather-clad knees of our mentors--August 4th. High Noon. Basin Park.

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