I guess this all started when a friend emailed me about an email he got from a friend. With me so far? A snippet of the email was more or less what will they («they» being the self proclaimed, saved and named Christians) take over next.

We have Christian Rockers, Christian Bikers, Christian Politics, Christian Motels. Damn. Weren't they content with just having Christian Bookstores? Guess not.

But it got me to pondering. Is there some kind of Christian porn? Christian hot, hot, steamy, sex? You bet your Baby Jesus there is. Didn't take long at all to find there are classes, manuals, sex toys, porn movies and all kinds of smut for salvation sluts. Baby Jesus butt plug and all.

Now of course you must understand that this kind of sex is strictly reserved for «marriage» and we all know, repeat after me, that MARRIAGE is only for one man and one woman. Period.

So, don't get any ideas from any information or products I may talk about. They are for good Christians with wholesome family values. Single people and homosexuals should not use these products as they are doomed to go to Hell. I'm thinking Hell is not a place you want to take Latex and silicone. Jesus, even the dishwasher can heat things to distortion. Ask any lesbian. I am sure Hell itself is probably, well, real Hell on some of these toys.

Anyway, my first stop today was a place called My Beloved's Garden

We are honored to bring to you great Christian Marital Aids and/or Christian sex toys, Lingerie, and other marriage-enhancement items. We offer Christian sex toys and fantastic customer service, while keeping Jesus Christ at the center of it all. We know there is no such thing as Christian sex toys, they are just sex toys that we are offering to the Body of Christ.

Their first prayer states: to aid the Christian couple in avoiding sex shops, pornographic magazines, web sites that promote pre-marital sex, homosexuality, violence and/or volatile or pornographic material.

Holy fuck. Hang on while I clean the holy water I just spewed on my keyboard. OK, let's visualize the Snuggly Silicone Teddy Strap On..pink of course, tucked neatly under that frock in a fundies undies. Or for around 40 bucks, you can get the Glass Phallus..dishwasher safe and the highly durable scientific-grade glass will resist cracking and chipping under reasonable pressure.

Well, thank God for small favors.

Throughout the whole site they call it a ministry/business. Yeah. Whatever. Screaming Jesus has a whole new meaning now doesn't it.

But wait, just when I thought that the several sex toys..Uh, I mean Christian Marriage Enhancement With Implement sites were enough, then I got into the real meat of the Christian lifestyle. Ready? Here's a dandy. Fisting and God's Will. Of course, it's all explained complete with Bible verse and all. Yes, God wants you to practice fisting. Fisting Is God's Will and when you are done with that chapter and verse, please move on to Threesomes In The Christian Marriage. Just make sure you follow the 6 conditions of playing by God's rules. Of course on the same site, you'll find informational, instructional missives about oral sex, anal sex, Viagra, and yes, masturbation..all God's Will you understand.

I'm starting to get it all now. Standing on upper Spring St in Eureka Springs, you have a giant neon penis sign on a hotel and in the backdrop across the valley is the big fucking Jesus. No wonder all these Christians are making their way here. It's a pilgrimage to mecca. A 7 story Jesus with an erect, lighted 2 story dick right here in the Bible Belt. And yes, I personally know a woman who lost her virginity to the Jesus of that year at the Passion Play. Hot damn, we're sexing it up for Jesus now.

Which brings me to another topic evidently involving the belt. Color me naive, I thought Bible Belt was a geographic location. But no, it's all part of their little bondage S&M gig they have going. CDD is what they call it. Christian Domestic Discipline with a tagline of Wife Spanking in the Christian Marriage.

They proudly state, This website was created to provide a home for couples involved in a Christian Domestic Discipline marriage where they might find information and share fellowship with other CDD couples without having to wade through pornographic or warped practices of what God created for marriage.

Hail Mary, these Christians are freaking me out. They are strapping on vibrators, having threesome fisting parties, and winding up with some good ole fashioned wife spanking. And then they have the friggin nerve to say that gays and lesbians are the downfall of America?

I'm thinking that they were held under water too damn long during the baptismal and we got us a mass lack of oxygen to the brain thing going on here. I mean, my God, next time you see a batch of them at the river, go get them out of the water. Save them. Save us.

While I have absolutely no problem with whatever kink that anybody wants to do, I do have a problem with the justification of my kink being bad according to their black book and their kink being good, justified by the same book. They call it ministry, I call it hypocritical self righteous crap.

So my brothers and sisters of the queerdom, go forth and spread the word of love and giggle a bit when you see the next Christian Biker or Christian Rally. They know not what they are, nor what they do or where to find the best deals on strap-ons.

And the next time YOU scream «Oh Jesus,» say a little prayer and Thank God you are who you are and not trapped in the Christian Sex Ministry lifestyle.

Amen.

PS..for more information, the following links were used to gather..uh...data.

My Beloved's Garden

Fisting Is God's Will

CDD

God Is Love

Holy Candy Panties

Popularity: 4% [?]