By Gay News Bureau Staff, 1 year and 5 months ago

Everybody wants a piece

The latest entrant into Eureka Springs' Domestic Partnership Registry Sweepstakes is our own local representative to the Arkansas Legislature, State Representative Bryan King.

«Personally I oppose the Deomestic (sic) Partner Registry,» King announced in Tuesday's carelessly-spelled press release. «Because of the numerous phone calls and the future impact to our area on this issue, I will say that I am considering asking an Attorney General opinion and possible future legislation regarding city, county or government entities issuing Domestic Partner Registtry's (sic).»

King's debut as a soldier in God's Chosen Army, Traditional Marriage Protection Regiment, is a bold move by our local first-term legislator. Here at home, back in the district, we know King as the poultry and cattle farmer who spent his entire first term trying to get permission from the state's environmental protection agency for poultry farmers to spread leftover chicken manure on cattle grazing lands.

King eventually withdrew his virgin legislation, known locally as the «Chicken Litter Bill.» Long story. We'll spare you. Suffice it to say that King's plans for fame, fortune and adulation from the Chicken Litter Lobby didn't quite work out.

Now Rep. King needs an issue to help him vault over the dangerous obstacle known as the «2008 Election.» Enter Eureka Springs «Deomestic Partner Registtry (sic, sic).»

When in doubt, when partisan dreams lie shattered all about one's $19.95, knee-high, steel-toed, rubber chicken boots, we all know what the very next step should be...now don't we?

That's right. It's time to break out the Gay WMD's.

Not to worry Representative King. We understand. In fact, here at Gay News, we have no problem with people who exploit us for personal gain... just as long as we get our cut.

Let us help you bring in the Bling!Hence, Gay News is proud to announce yet another public service: Rent a Homosexual.

Order now! Let us help you bring the Bling back to your political rallies and collection plates.

Imagine....

A pair of well-groomed men--stylish haircuts, fashionable clothing, tasteful jewelry--strategically posed at the kitchen door of your church fellowship supper.

Do you hear that rustling sound? No, it's not the wind. It's not a disoriented Oklahoma tumbleweed lost on Highway 62. It's the sweet, sweet music of large checks crinkling softly into your Anti Homosexual Agenda piggy bank.

You like? Yes of course. We know you do. And we can make it happen for a low, low monthly fee. Call now. Operators are standing by.

If your community is already overrun by the kind of dangerous characters who carry a copy of the Homosexual Agenda in every pocket of their Perry Ellis cargo pants, don't worry, we have a solution for you too. (Prices slightly higher.)

You provide the split-level suburban ranch. We'll provide the 2.5 perfect children, sheep dog, soccer mom van and your choice of a). Mom & Mom, b). Dad & Dad, c).an unmarried heterosexual couple-- carefully selected to be most unsuitable for your designated neighborhood with our proprietary Gay News matching plan.

Why wait for the Homosexual Menace to overtake your neighborhood tomorrow when you could be making bucks and getting votes from the Homosexual Menace today?

Gay News is ready to help you achieve your dreams. Call now!

If you are one of the first 100 callers, choose a razor cut with highlights and lowlights or a complete set of Ginsu knives as our special gift to you.

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